Miss USA is slated for June 3rd this year in Sin City with beauties from 50 states and the District of Columbia competing to see who will represent the United States at the Miss Universe Pageant in December.

Ah yes, the Miss America Pageant where all those comforting words to millions of pock marked, acne laden lassies that “beauty is only skin deep” ring hollow. It’s not what’s on the outside but what’s on the inside that counts…yeah right. Pretty people get all the attention but beautiful people get on television, wear glamorous clothes and maybe even get to wear a crown. No, I’m not talking to you Adam Lambert. 

The fifty-one young thangs that will prance and strut across America’s TV sets make the homecoming queens, the prom queens and the head cheerleaders of this world green with envy. For once, they can look at another woman the same way we used to look at them, trying desperately to find a flaw, any flaw that will tear them down and make us feel better about ourselves. However that game doesn’t play here because these silicone saturated seductresses are the epitome of feline femininity. 

Yet sadly many of these women will never know the joys of graduating with their classmates and moving forward, exploring all the fascinating opportunities that a junior high school education could offer. No, these women are not students per se but they were all valedictorians at Our Lady of the Immaculate Complexion. Brains don’t really seem to matter as evidenced by the answers to those “probing” questions asked by the hosts.   

Speaking of those answers let me give you a little taste of what you might expect based on these responses from previous contestants.

"No, I don’t think the Miss America Pageant denigrates women. Well…maybe the ugly ones…"

“I have always admired you Mr. Parker. Especially your drive to get dogs neutral.”

"My most important role model is Mother Teresa because she’s just so awesome!"

Without further ado, let’s look at some of the hottest honeys in the pageant and their current betting odds.

Brittany BookerBrittany Booker - Miss Texas (11/2)

Booker or should I say book her as the odds on favorite to continue the glorious Lone Star State tradition that is manufacturing beauty queens or more specifically Miss USA titleholders. Texas holds the record with nine previous winners and Brittany Booker could very easily make it ten. Miss Booker has the same look as actress Morgan Fairchild from 80’s television fame (the youngsters can Google her). It’s a certain kind of visual air that comes from good breeding, a rich daddy and a skilled plastic surgeon. 

Olivia Culpo – Miss Rhode Island (9-1)

Liv (yes, I can call her Liv, you however must bow and avert your eyes while you refer to her as Miss Culpo) is one of the favorites to shriek and cry when the winner is announced. She’s got that silky, honey dipped skin and Kewpie doll lips which is all well and good if you like that sort of thing. Personally I do and I have yet to meet any heterosexual male who doesn’t.

Jessica Kazmierczak - Miss Alaska (9-1)

Jessica has that outdoorsy look if you happen to be a hiker/camper/ dog sled racer that could also grace the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine and look right at home. She looks all natural, if you know what I mean…and I think you do. She’s definitely got the girl next door kind of look to her, if we lived in an alternate reality where girls next door were insanely hot.

Sheena Monnin – Miss Pennsylvania (12-1)

The last time I met a girl named Sheena, I was critiquing her dance routine while delighting in the elegant ambience that is the Champagne Room at the Foxy Lady located in downtown Providence. Yes kids, I keep it classy. However this particular Sheena is a raven haired beauty who likes long walks on the beach and is equipped with the requisite amazing body and could well be a dark horse to take over from last year’s winner. She’s similar to the Sheena I met only this Sheena isn’t a 42 year old dancer working her way through college.